The journey from Cambodia to the US is not short. I signed up for this when I moved to there 3 years ago, so I am probably not allowed to complain. Yet somewhere between hour 21 and 30 of this fantastic voyage, I check out of normal human consciousness and into the “Desperate Jungle Animal” version of myself. This is fun for everyone.

My generally anxious nature keeps me from sleeping on flights until the the last two hours of the trip, when I am watching Divergent for the 4th time and pass out like a sedated giant baby. (I’m convinced this is adorable.) Forty five minutes before landing the cabin crew proceeds to turn on the lights and intentionally ruin my life. The intercom announcement and the industrial grade lighting destroy the peaceful state of our flying group incubator.

This is the part of the show when I become an angry dinosaur, or maybe a lizard trying to hatch. I’m tired and grumpy and sore and OH MY GOD WHY IS IS SO BRIGHT. Face all scrunched up, I swivel my neck around to get a sense of my impending doom. The group of men across the isle sound like they are chicken fighting (which seems like a terrible idea), and all children are waking up, acutely aware of how unhappy they are.

I don’t hate on kids crying on planes. I get it, tiny humans, it sucks and you are tired and hungry and irrationally sad about everything and what is that smell? I don’t have children yet, but I can only assume they would probably rather not be crying and screaming, but they don’t have enough words to make passive aggressive complaints and give dirty looks yet.

Because its better to laugh than flip out on an airplane,  I came up with superhero names for my small comrades.

-Baby Banshee

-Screamasaurus

-Master Disaster

-Tinyzilla

-Captain Pooped My Pants

-He Who Cannot Be Calmed

-Team The Worst (This was a whole row of unhappy children with nannies, parents up in first class)

I made it to JFK, Smeagoled* a burger, puddle jumped my way to Providence, and hugged my mom in baggage claim.

The next few days were spent on the delightful waters of Nonquitt, Massachusetts with 46 family members and a LOT of lobster. On to New York.

 

*To Smeagol: Remember Lord of the Rings? Remember Gollum/Smeagol? You know they way he talks to the ring and gets all crazy and squirley about it? Imagine that vibe, but change the ring to food. It looks like that.

Artwork by Klas Fahlén via Real Simple.