I read a lot of self-improvement stuff these days. I have talked about digging into meditation and all the work it takes to get out of my head and into my life, and it feels like I am maybe, possibly, getting there. Of course, it’s one thing to feel progress, and quite another to actually change your own behavior.
I had an exceptionally productive Saturday morning today, which I feel like is a sign of real change. I have written up a little guide to help you get out of your lazy morning rut, and I hope it helps!
First, and most importantly, don’t set an alarm. Let your body wake up at whatever time it needs, like the damn princess that you are. Make sure you lay in bed for at least 15 minutes before figuring out that you slept on the edge of your open computer for most of the night, leaving you with a very large imprint on your back and dreams of Andy Dwyer.
Get up chug the iced tea that your Friday self left in the fridge, guessing that your growing caffeine dependence might kick in hard. Mentally hug your Friday self and tear up, thinking about how considerate you can be.
Shuffle to closet and grab giant socks and a sweater. Put on the sweater and socks, tucking the top of the sweater into your underwear. This move is important, because we all know you aren’t going to wear pants for another few hours, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be put together.
While making your way back to the kitchen, glance at yourself in the mirror and see your hair, and take a moment to admire your current look. I like to think of what celebrity I look like the most, and this morning was like the lovechild of early days Jim Carey and puffy Tilda Swinton. Feel proud.
Once in the kitchen, make coffee and drink it over the sink while the next cup is brewing. This is the part of the morning when you realize that you had two glasses of wine last night and you are elbow deep in a hangover. Contemplate your own mortality, then have second cup of coffee.
Talk on the phone to childhood friend, and terrify her with your morning voice, which is somewhere between Fran Drescher and a literal cigarette. Feel good about never smoking cigarette, and very smug about your lung health. This is a ridiculous thing to feel smug about.
Put on Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You” and dance like an idiot. Sweat more that you thought a three-minute song would inspire and name your favorite move.
Since you are already warmed up, consider attending the pilates class that is 70 feet away from your front door. Decide that you can’t get there in time and watch Instagram stories for 25 minutes instead.
Talk to your dad, say snarky things that you both think are funny. Feel great about living closer to your parents.
Realize that you didn’t do your blog post yesterday.
Decide you want to take a walk, because that is what healthy people do, and what the hell are you doing, sitting in your underwear and wasting your perfect lungs?
Crank out absurd piece to put on the internet, smile to self because this is so dumb.
For more tips on productivity and adult living, probably don’t read my posts, because this is clearly total garbage.